Re-entry back into Hong Kong life has met me with challenges I didn't foresee. I am usually good at preparing myself for new circumstances, but thought I knew what life would be like when we landed in July. I was really focused on getting settled again, letting our suitcases gather some dust after 12 months of use, and reuniting with old friends.
Yet while Hong Kong may not have changed in the last year, I did. And to my dismay, the normalcy that I craved left me feeling empty and insignificant. Spending a lot of time at home between debilitating morning sickness, potty training a 2 year old, and unbearable heat, left me lonely and missing community. One constant the last year was people, first and foremost my husband who I now kiss goodbye for 12 hours a day. When Jason does finally get home we exchange brief summaries of our days before I crash in bed at 7:30.
I felt like I went from the world being at my doorstep, to feeling cut off and forgotten by the world. The dreams and passions that the Lord had burned on my heart seemed now out of reach in light of our unplanned pregnancy. For six weeks I was too sick to even travel down to the island to our church. It was like I fell in a hole and couldn't climb out. I lost connection with God's heart and maybe even believed the lie that somehow he had forgotten me.
Amazing friends helped a lot in this time, like good medicine they always lifted my spirits. I also had several friends cook food for me knowing that stepping in my kitchen after 4:30 induces vomiting. I seriously have the best friends in the world here.
After hitting rock bottom last week, I feel like God is now pulling me out of the miry pit. I've confessed my bad attitude to the Lord and asked him to fill me anew with gratitude and joy. Last night I got to attend an awesome conference called Women on the Frontlines, focused mainly on women and children in the sex trade (a huge issue here in south east asia). One of the speakers Stacy Campbell asked us, "what's in your hands?" She challenged us (mother's included) to focus on using the resources God has given us for His glory. I realized I had been so focused on all that I
couldn't do, I had failed to see the opportunities I do have.
After six months of getting to hug orphans every day in three different countries and after standing and declaring "here I am Lord, send me to the dark places"it was hard to feel like the only place God was sending me is back and forth to Josiah's kindergarten! Yet, that is the point I think He is teaching me. There are opportunities at the Kindergarten, and on the train and with my children. I just need to take my eyes off myself and see what is in my hands. Thank you Jesus that you use broken vessels like me.
