My Emotions= All Over the Place

This blog is going to be devoted to me sharing the many ups and downs in my head and heart lately. (Deep breath) Here we go. . . Many of you know that Jason and I are preparing for a sabbatical leave next year. We feel like we have been talking about this year forever and now it is really around the corner. I'd like to say our ducks are in a row, but they're not. Our outlook is coming more into focus but is still fuzzy at best. I don't do well with fuzzy. I like details, minor and not so minor detailsl like;

What country(s) will we be in? What vaccines do we need? What is the nearest country with a decent hospital? What do I do if my child gets malaria? What food will we have access to? What do I need to pack? What are we going to do with all our stuff and flat in Hong Kong? How much will this all cost? How can God use me while caring for a 1 and 3 year old? The list goes on and on.

There is one ministry in South Africa that we are looking to partner with. Last week we had a skype session with one of their representatives, Lauren, to see if we would be a good fit with them. Lauren told us about the child headed house-holds they support. Let me say that again child- headed households!! There are so many orphaned children that the extended family is unable to adsorb them, so they raise themselves. 8, 9, 10, 11 year olds heading up a household! AIDS has left 15 million orphans in Sub- Saharan Africa. I can't even understand numbers like that.

I find myself dramatically swinging back and forth between worrying about every-little-detail to brimming over with faith that we don't need a plan B because God will take care of us. Some moments I want nothing more than to hug the children, pray for the sick and understand their world of poverty. Other moments I yearn to escape to a comfortable American suburb to live in Gymboree, Old Navy and a safe church that asks nothing of me.

One thing I am coming to see is that I cannot live a life committed to radically fulfilling God's call and guarantee the health, safety and comfort of my kids. I've been kind of avoiding God lately, afraid that if I listen to His voice he will ask me to do something that I think is too hard. Last week I broke down and God spoke to me, reminding me of his deep love for me. He wants to be the ultimate source of my peace, joy, and purpose and I guess that is a pretty safe place after all. God cannot be shaken. Now if I can work that message from my head to my heart and just keep it there.

I LOVE this song and it has been my peace and comfort this last month